Introduction
Have you experienced Gaslighting? If you haven’t this is an
important PSA. If you have, may I offer my sincere empathy to you and wish you
well as you navigate your way through this.
Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation, designed to make you doubt your perception of reality. Those who feel wronged, betrayed, or lied to often employ it. Gaslighters weaponize your own words and actions, convoluting the truth to serve their narrative.
Having just gone through my first and hopefully last gaslighting experience, I thought this might be useful for others who may have experienced this. Needless to say, I'm still blown away by the experience and not in a good way.
This article explores how gaslighting manifests in personal and professional relationships. We discuss the specific behaviours and language gaslighters use, and actionable steps to protect yourself. Understanding these tactics is essential for safeguarding your mental health and maintaining your confidence.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where
someone distorts the truth to make you question your memory, perception, or
sanity. While the term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, this behaviour
is far from fictional and occurs frequently in real-life interactions.
How Gaslighting Works
Distorting facts: Gaslighters rewrite events to align with
their perspective.
Undermining credibility: They often make you feel
irrational, forgetful, or overly sensitive.
Exploiting personal information: By using what they know
about you, gaslighters skew the narrative to their advantage.
Signs of Gaslighting in Personal and Professional Relationships
Gaslighting can come from anyone—colleagues, managers,
friends, or family members.
Behaviours of Gaslighters
Playing the Victim
Gaslighters often claim they have been wronged or betrayed,
using these claims to justify their actions.
Example: “I can’t believe you would accuse me after everything I’ve done for you.”
Twisting the Narrative
They selectively present information or omit key details to
paint themselves in a favourable light.
Using Your Words Against You
Personal information shared in confidence becomes
ammunition.
Overgeneralizing
Gaslighters exaggerate or make sweeping statements to
dismiss your concerns.
Feigning Forgetfulness or Denial
They deny previous statements or actions, making you doubt
your recollection.
Example: “I never said that. You must be imagining things.”
Exaggerating Your Faults
Highlighting minor mistakes to deflect attention from their
behaviour.
Example: “You can’t even keep track of the little things, and you expect me to take you seriously?”
Language Gaslighters Use
Gaslighters rely heavily on language to manipulate and
control. Common phrases include:
“That never happened.”
“Everyone agrees with me, not you.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“Stop overthinking things.”
Skewing the Narrative
Gaslighters excel at rewriting events to suit their
narrative. For example, in a workplace conflict, they might portray themselves
as the victim to gain sympathy while subtly discrediting others.
Individuals tend to engage in gaslighting behaviour to gain
control and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This drive can
happen unconsciously or unintentionally, and the gaslighter might not be fully
aware of the impact their words and actions have on the other person’s mental
state.
The Impact of Gaslighting on Individuals
The effects of gaslighting can be profound, particularly
when it comes from someone you trust or work closely with.
Gaslighting behaviours might include trivializing (“you are so sensitive”), countering (“you aren’t remembering correctly”), blame-shifting (“that was your fault”), or dismissing (“you are overreacting”).
In such cases, the gaslighter might genuinely believe they
are just expressing their own perspectives or opinions.
Other gaslighting behaviours, such as lying or denying, are
typically a conscious effort to distort the victim’s perception and confuse
them.
While the perpetrator may not be thinking, “I am going to
gaslight this person,” they likely are lying or denying the truth
intentionally.
Unintentional gaslighting is still gaslighting
While unintentional gaslighting may not involve a deliberate
attempt to manipulate or control someone’s perception of reality. However, it
still involves undermining another’s feelings, experiences, or sense of self.
The impact of unintentional gaslighting is real and can be hurtful to a relationship and the mental well-being of both parties.
Unintentional gaslighting
Blaming the Victim: Suggesting that the person’s actions or
choices led to negative outcomes (e.g., telling someone “that only happened
because you X” when they express their feelings or concerns).
Contradicting: Offering conflicting information or opinions
(e.g., a parent telling their child “You’re not hungry” when they ask for a
snack).
Forgetting Details: Accidentally forgetting important
details or events that are significant to the other person.
Dismissive Language: Using phrases like “you’re
overreacting” or “it’s not a big deal” when someone expresses their feelings or
concerns.
Minimizing Experiences: Downplaying or trivializing the
other person’s experiences or emotions (e.g., telling your friend “it’s not
that bad” or “other people have it much worse than you” when they share their
distresses).
For some, they may have learned this behaviour early in
their life either as a child or young adult. It might also be a survival
mechanism that they developed to protect themself from a toxic or abusive
environment.
Mental Health Consequences
Chronic Self-Doubt: Victims often feel incapable of trusting
their own judgment.
Anxiety and Depression: Constant manipulation creates a
cycle of stress and hopelessness.
Low Self-Esteem: Gaslighting erodes confidence, making
individuals feel unworthy.
Emotional Consequences
Isolation: Many victims withdraw from others, fearing
judgment or misunderstanding.
Confusion: Persistent manipulation leads to difficulty
distinguishing truth from lies.
Emotional Exhaustion: The constant need to defend oneself
takes a toll over time.
Professional Consequences
Damaged Reputation: Gaslighters often tarnish the
credibility of their targets.
Career Stagnation: Victims may miss opportunities due to a
lack of confidence or fear of retaliation.
Decreased Productivity: The mental strain of gaslighting
affects focus and performance.
How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting
Recognize the Tactics
Understanding the signs of gaslighting is the first step in
countering it. Reflect on whether someone’s actions or words consistently make
you question yourself.
Be aware of the gaslighters' persistent need to control even the
most menial activities.
Recognise their dismissive language ( we tried that before
and it didn’t work) and passive-aggressive tendencies when they are challenged
or someone expresses a different view to theirs ( I knew there was something off
about that person).
Set Boundaries
Clearly communicate limits to discourage manipulative
behaviour.
For example:
“I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that tone. Let’s keep
this professional.”
“I remember the conversation differently, and I stand by my
understanding.”
Document Everything
Maintain written records of conversations, emails, and
incidents. Detailed documentation provides evidence and clarity.
Seek Support
Confide in trusted friends, mentors, or mental health
professionals. External perspectives can help validate your experiences.
If safe to do so, calmly point out manipulative behaviour.
For example:
“I feel like you’re twisting my words. Let’s stick to the
facts.”
What to Do If Gaslighting Persists
When gaslighting occurs in a professional setting, use the escalation
protocols of the company. Engage HR if necessary. Gaslighters tend to use an
audience to validate their position and gain credibility. They will often copy
a host of people in on emails and other correspondence if they believe this will
prop up their version of events.
Ensure you provide clear, documented evidence.
In personal relationships, consider seeking professional mediation or therapy to navigate the situation effectively.
Once a gaslighter is exposed they seldom want to continue the relationship under the guise of broken trust. This is almost always followed by a 'scorched earth' approach to terminate relationships with zero willingness to entertain the possibility that they were wrong. If the relationship is outside of the employment or family situation, it might be easiest to simply walk away and cut all ties.
Call to Action
Gaslighting can undermine your confidence, damage
relationships, and hinder professional growth. Recognizing the signs is the
first step toward regaining control and protecting your well-being.
💡 If you’re struggling
with gaslighting in your personal or professional life, let’s talk. Schedule a
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