Purposefully Planning, Developing, & Transitioning Mid Careers

Monday, 25 November 2024

Gaslighting: How to Recognize the Signs and Protect Yourself

 




Introduction

Have you experienced Gaslighting? If you haven’t this is an important PSA. If you have, may I offer my sincere empathy to you and wish you well as you navigate your way through this.

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation, designed to make you doubt your perception of reality. Those who feel wronged, betrayed, or lied to often employ it. Gaslighters weaponize your own words and actions, convoluting the truth to serve their narrative.

Having just gone through my first and hopefully last gaslighting experience, I thought this might be useful for others who may have experienced this. Needless to say, I'm still blown away by the experience and not in a good way.

This article explores how gaslighting manifests in personal and professional relationships. We discuss the specific behaviours and language gaslighters use, and actionable steps to protect yourself. Understanding these tactics is essential for safeguarding your mental health and maintaining your confidence.

 

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone distorts the truth to make you question your memory, perception, or sanity. While the term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, this behaviour is far from fictional and occurs frequently in real-life interactions.

 

How Gaslighting Works

Distorting facts: Gaslighters rewrite events to align with their perspective.

Undermining credibility: They often make you feel irrational, forgetful, or overly sensitive.

Exploiting personal information: By using what they know about you, gaslighters skew the narrative to their advantage.


Signs of Gaslighting in Personal and Professional Relationships

Gaslighting can come from anyone—colleagues, managers, friends, or family members.

 Recognizing the specific behaviours and language used is key to identifying this manipulation.


Behaviours of Gaslighters

Playing the Victim

Gaslighters often claim they have been wronged or betrayed, using these claims to justify their actions.

Example: “I can’t believe you would accuse me after everything I’ve done for you.”


Twisting the Narrative

They selectively present information or omit key details to paint themselves in a favourable light.

 Example: “You’re the one who said you would do this. Don’t you remember?”


Using Your Words Against You

Personal information shared in confidence becomes ammunition.

 Example: “You said you’re bad at handling stress. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”


Overgeneralizing

Gaslighters exaggerate or make sweeping statements to dismiss your concerns.

 Example: “You always overreact to small things.”


Feigning Forgetfulness or Denial

They deny previous statements or actions, making you doubt your recollection.

Example: “I never said that. You must be imagining things.”


Exaggerating Your Faults

Highlighting minor mistakes to deflect attention from their behaviour.

Example: “You can’t even keep track of the little things, and you expect me to take you seriously?”


Language Gaslighters Use

Gaslighters rely heavily on language to manipulate and control. Common phrases include:

 “You’re being too sensitive.”

“That never happened.”

“Everyone agrees with me, not you.”

“You’re remembering it wrong.”

“Stop overthinking things.”

 

Skewing the Narrative

Gaslighters excel at rewriting events to suit their narrative. For example, in a workplace conflict, they might portray themselves as the victim to gain sympathy while subtly discrediting others.

Individuals tend to engage in gaslighting behaviour to gain control and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This drive can happen unconsciously or unintentionally, and the gaslighter might not be fully aware of the impact their words and actions have on the other person’s mental state.

 

The Impact of Gaslighting on Individuals

The effects of gaslighting can be profound, particularly when it comes from someone you trust or work closely with.

Gaslighting behaviours might include trivializing (“you are so sensitive”), countering (“you aren’t remembering correctly”), blame-shifting (“that was your fault”), or dismissing (“you are overreacting”).

In such cases, the gaslighter might genuinely believe they are just expressing their own perspectives or opinions.

Other gaslighting behaviours, such as lying or denying, are typically a conscious effort to distort the victim’s perception and confuse them.

While the perpetrator may not be thinking, “I am going to gaslight this person,” they likely are lying or denying the truth intentionally.


Unintentional gaslighting is still gaslighting

While unintentional gaslighting may not involve a deliberate attempt to manipulate or control someone’s perception of reality. However, it still involves undermining another’s feelings, experiences, or sense of self.

The impact of unintentional gaslighting is real and can be hurtful to a relationship and the mental well-being of both parties.

Unintentional gaslighting

Blaming the Victim: Suggesting that the person’s actions or choices led to negative outcomes (e.g., telling someone “that only happened because you X” when they express their feelings or concerns).

Contradicting: Offering conflicting information or opinions (e.g., a parent telling their child “You’re not hungry” when they ask for a snack).

Forgetting Details: Accidentally forgetting important details or events that are significant to the other person.

Dismissive Language: Using phrases like “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not a big deal” when someone expresses their feelings or concerns.

Minimizing Experiences: Downplaying or trivializing the other person’s experiences or emotions (e.g., telling your friend “it’s not that bad” or “other people have it much worse than you” when they share their distresses).

For some, they may have learned this behaviour early in their life either as a child or young adult. It might also be a survival mechanism that they developed to protect themself from a toxic or abusive environment.


Mental Health Consequences

Chronic Self-Doubt: Victims often feel incapable of trusting their own judgment.

Anxiety and Depression: Constant manipulation creates a cycle of stress and hopelessness.

Low Self-Esteem: Gaslighting erodes confidence, making individuals feel unworthy.

 

Emotional Consequences

Isolation: Many victims withdraw from others, fearing judgment or misunderstanding.

Confusion: Persistent manipulation leads to difficulty distinguishing truth from lies.

Emotional Exhaustion: The constant need to defend oneself takes a toll over time.

 

Professional Consequences

Damaged Reputation: Gaslighters often tarnish the credibility of their targets.

Career Stagnation: Victims may miss opportunities due to a lack of confidence or fear of retaliation.

Decreased Productivity: The mental strain of gaslighting affects focus and performance.


How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting

Recognize the Tactics

Understanding the signs of gaslighting is the first step in countering it. Reflect on whether someone’s actions or words consistently make you question yourself.

Be aware of the gaslighters' persistent need to control even the most menial activities.

Recognise their dismissive language ( we tried that before and it didn’t work) and passive-aggressive tendencies when they are challenged or someone expresses a different view to theirs ( I knew there was something off about that person).

 

Set Boundaries

Clearly communicate limits to discourage manipulative behaviour.

For example:

“I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that tone. Let’s keep this professional.”

“I remember the conversation differently, and I stand by my understanding.”

Document Everything

Maintain written records of conversations, emails, and incidents. Detailed documentation provides evidence and clarity.

Seek Support

Confide in trusted friends, mentors, or mental health professionals. External perspectives can help validate your experiences.

 Call Out the Behavior

If safe to do so, calmly point out manipulative behaviour. For example:

“I feel like you’re twisting my words. Let’s stick to the facts.”

 

What to Do If Gaslighting Persists

When gaslighting occurs in a professional setting, use the escalation protocols of the company. Engage HR if necessary. Gaslighters tend to use an audience to validate their position and gain credibility. They will often copy a host of people in on emails and other correspondence if they believe this will prop up their version of events.

Ensure you provide clear, documented evidence. 

In personal relationships, consider seeking professional mediation or therapy to navigate the situation effectively.

Once a gaslighter is exposed they seldom want to continue the relationship under the guise of broken trust. This is almost always followed by a 'scorched earth' approach to terminate relationships with zero willingness to entertain the possibility that they were wrong. If the relationship is outside of the employment or family situation, it might be easiest to simply walk away and cut all ties.


Call to Action

Gaslighting can undermine your confidence, damage relationships, and hinder professional growth. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward regaining control and protecting your well-being.

 

💡 If you’re struggling with gaslighting in your personal or professional life, let’s talk. Schedule a free consultation call here

Book a FREE consult…  https://calendly.com/renatacareercoach/45min

to explore strategies for overcoming challenges and building resilience.

Join our mailing list http://eepurl.com/dyGFrb

Read more… https://bit.ly/IdealCareersBlog

No comments:

Post a Comment

Career Coaching -A Strategic Enabler for Mid-Career Professionals

  Introduction Mid-career professionals often find themselves in a unique phase of their professional lives. They have achieved success, gat...